Relative Poetry Goes on Hiatus

We'd like to thank our wonderful readers, but sleep has fallen upon us.

Zzzzzzzzzzz..................

Why Must You Try and Hug Me?

Oh no.
You're here again.
Don't you have anything better
To do with your time than
Visit Me at My Place of Workship?

What's that? No, Crazy Stranger,
I don't want a hug. You smell
Like gasoline coated with
Gasoline.

I think I'll hide here in the backroom
Where it's quiet and dark and maybe
You will mistake me for a mop on
Steriods and confused, you will go away
Happily cackling as you hug the UPS man.

How Much I Loved You

You entered the room
Smiling,
Shy.

We both laughed, because we
Felt like laughing.

I wanted to hug you right then,
Lift you off the ground and
Press your softness into me.

I could not believe
That you made me believe
In something I did not believe in.

Kissing You

Your tongue and my tongue wrestle
Smackdown! style and you grip my shoulders
Like I want to get away but I don't,
I'd like to stay and get to know you.
I'm a bit rusty here, but girls still wear bras
Right? With those damn hooks and whatnot
Did you eat something with garlic? Man,
Kissing is just so romantic just so freaking
Great who needs sex when you can wrap
Yourself in anothers slobbery tongue?

Dear Jackie, from "That 70's Show"

Oh my god oh my god oh my god
I'm, like, your biggest fan. Really!
You wouldn't believe how many times
I've checked out what outfit you were wearing
When I should have been following a perfectly
Good plot. You sexy sexy thing, I want to brush
Your silky black hair and slow dance with you
To George Jones. If you let me grab your
Butt, I'll be in Heaven, all the pain I've ever felt
Receding to nothing. Please Jackie Burkheart,
Be my Valentine and I will keep you well hydrated.

Poem For My Ex-Girlfriends

Ladies,
You've grown up so fast.

One of you is married, with child
And husband, now carefully nestled near
The place you grew up. You don't
E-mail me, but your mother does,
And I'm glad for you. I really am.

Another of you is getting married
This summer. You represent
The hopefulness I felt in college,
And at your wedding I will try
Not to get too drunk and embarrass
You in front of your friends, most
Of whom I dislike immensely.

And the third of you is dating
Again. That's cool. I can dig it.
Just don't let me meet the guy
For as long as possible. I tend to
Say things, and do things, but you
Know all of this already, we held
Hands for a good long time.

Ladies,
Did you know Valentine's Day is coming up?
I think I'll watch Apocalypse Now
And laugh at all the napalm.

Fresh Air

Impossible

This light and airy creature

Giggling in my arms

As if she has been here all along

Just when I thought

I would never breathe so freely

Again.

How to Deal with a Thief

If you try to steal my wallet one more time,
Serious consequences will ensue.

You don't believe me?
Just try! Just dip into my
babysitting money one
More time you freakish
Drunkard with your big
Beer guzzling throat and
Tremendously LOUD voice,
Out-shouting everyone and
Their Mom. Buying drink
After drink like you think you're
Some sort of Captain of Industry.

Sure, laugh it up now,
Mr. Happy Go Lucky,
But we'll have to work all this off
Together, in the Poor House
Of weekend revelery.